


Light. Darkness. Balance.

by DarkxSalvation



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben & Rey POV, Ben POV, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Monologue, Rewrite, Rey POV, Romance, Slow Burn, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:35:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28511268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkxSalvation/pseuds/DarkxSalvation
Summary: A year had passed since she had closed the door of the Millennium Falcon, that expression on her face, a mixture of sadness and anger, disappointment and guilt, of lost chances. A year since he had kneeled on the ground of the commando station, looking up at her, pleading, nearly begging her to change her mind, all the anger and hatred vanished, just as Luke, just as the dices of his father in his hand.And while the Falcon had taken off, he had felt something else vanishing slowly. Getting thinner and thinner. Something he had gotten so used to feel, something that had become so natural. Something, he suddenly had realized, he didn’t want to live without. The bond. Their bond. And with it, light. Her light.- Or: A complete rewrite of The Rise of Skywalker
Relationships: Ben Solo & Han Solo, Chewbacca & Ben Solo, Leia Organa & Ben Solo, Luke Skywalker & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Armitage Hux, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	1. Revelation (Ben)

**Author's Note:**

> A year. I started this Fanfiction exactly a year ago. After the sadness and disappointment TROS caused turned into my usual fierce passion to make it up to one of my two favorite OTPs of all time.  
> Just as all these years back then with Damon & Elena, I decided that I had to do SOMETHING, that I couldn't leave them LIKE THIS. Broken. Alone. Ruined. Dead.
> 
> In the beginning I intended to write this just for myself. To feel better, to give Ben & Rey the ending they deserved, the one I had made up in my mind to deal with the absolute disappointment that is TROS and just because I love to write - but not brave enough to share it with the world.  
> I did consider writing it in my native language first, German, but even if my English is far from perfect I simply love the language much more - and I love to write in it so much more. So English it turned out to be. 
> 
> Yesterday I watched a video of one of my favorite actors and he said 'If there is anything in your life right now that you are thinking like 'I don't know, I'm not brave enough or I am scared to do that' - go do it.' That's when I decided that my first action in 2021 would be to be brave - and to go post my story. 
> 
> I have written over 30 pages by now in 4 chapters. I am not the fastest writer and I have pretty limited time but writing gave me so much joy in an otherwise pretty depressive year that I will definitely continue this story until the last line is written - and Ben & Rey got their happy ending.  
> The story is pretty much mapped out in my head. I have no idea if all of it is according to the rules of the Star Wars universe - but when I read in the description of another Reylo Fanfiction that it can't be worse and make less sense than what JJ delivered I smiled and thought she couldn't be more right. 
> 
> So here it is. I hope you enjoy what my imagination came up with. Just be a little patient and a little forgiving keeping in mind that this is not my native language, not beta read (didn't want to put anyone through correcting all the mistakes ;)) and I got a little rusty over the years since I wrote Fanfiction for the last time.  
> Thank You and May the Force be with You.

As he walked through the void that was Exegol there was nothing, no sound, no light, breaking the dead silence and the endless darkness except the humming of his red lightsaber, it’s irregular unstable crackling and glowing a reflection of his own inner self.

Shaking, he climbed back into the cockpit of his TIE Whisper and let himself drop onto the seat. He crossed his arms on the steering wheel, let his head sink and took a deep ragging breath.

A year had passed. A year since he had spend day and night researching, travelling from one deserted planet to another, searching the entire galaxy for a clue, a hint, to find that voice, the voice that had cruel and mercilessly rang through the galaxy, the voice that had been inside his head since he had left Crait.

And today he had found it. Here on Exegol. Today he had found the place where it had hidden for decades, holding the strings, manipulating each and everyone around it, now as it had back then. Manipulating him, like it had once manipulated his grandfather. The voice of emperor Palpatine.  
  


_I have been every voice ..._

_... you have ever heard ..._

_... inside your head._

  
He leaned back. Jaw clenched, he closed his hands tightly around the steering wheel. All the voices, every whisper, every scream, had been him. All the voices that had haunted him since the day he had been born, had belonged to him.  
_  
_ When he had woken up at night, not older than five, screaming and crying from visions, nightmares, filled with menacing whispers, threats, laughter and his parents had come rushing in, taking him into their arms, trying to sooth their violently shaking child ...  
  
When he had woken up at night, five years later, screaming and crying from the same visions, waiting for his parents to come rushing in, making it alright, waiting for minutes, hours, waiting in vain, their bedroom empty, just a droid taking care of their abandoned child, a droid that could not, could never, offer a save embrace ...  
  
And years later, at the training temple, turning around and around in bed, trying to fall asleep despite the voices but afraid of the visions that would come at night, with parents galaxies afar, parents who had send their child away, afraid of the visions, of the voices, of his anger and temper, the only way he had managed to deal with it, parents who had send their child to an uncle who slowly and clearly had become afraid of the darkness rising in him, a darkness that had been protecting him, from more pain, more suffering ...

He was shaking as hard as he had as a young child. But just as back then, ten years old, now with nearly thirty, there was no one there to stop it, to make it alright. Not even a droid. Just darkness. And loneliness.  
  
Just as always. Just as ever. Just as before. Before he had met ... her.

He sighed.

 _Rey.  
_

* * *

_  
_ A year had passed since she had closed the door of the Millennium Falcon, that expression on her face, a mixture of sadness and anger, disappointment and guilt, of lost chances. A year since he had kneeled on the ground of the commando station, looking up at her, pleading, nearly begging her to change her mind, all the anger and hatred vanished, just as Luke, just as the dices of his father in his hand.

And while the Falcon had taken off, he had felt something else vanishing slowly. Getting thinner and thinner. Something he had gotten so used to feel, something that had become so natural. Something, he suddenly had realized, he didn’t want to live without. The bond. Their bond. And with it, light. Her light. And those streaks that had lit the darkness, his darkness, tingeing it in shades of grey rather than pitch black, had gotten thinner and thinner until they had become nearly invisible as well.

As his father's battered freighter had set to lightspeed and disappeared like a shooting star in the galaxy, he had felt the bond snap. And he was left alone, with darkness, nothing but darkness. Again.

That’s why he hadn't been too surprised to hear whispers in his mind that night when he had turned around aimlessly and helplessly, trying to find some sleep. Of course his mind would deal with it in the only way it had ever known. By torturing him with inaudible voices, the voices of his subconscious. But night after night had followed and the whispers hadn't stopped. Instead they had grown louder and louder yet he hadn't been able to make out a single word they had said. And they hadn't stopped. Not after the first night, not after the second, not after the third.

After month with little to no sleep at all, he had needed to get out. Away. Away from the voices, away from the visions, away from the people, away from everything. He had jumped into his TIE without any further explanation and left the puzzled expressions of some storm troopers behind, smashing the first coordinates into the console that came to his mind.  
  
When he had left the ship, he had stepped into an endlessness of green and grey and a humidity that had made it nearly impossible to breath. Heavy raindrops had been falling down from an invisible sky, hidden behind enormous trees.

He hadn't cared. Somehow it had all felt right, like he belonged there, right in that moment, in that place, on that planet. Without another thought he had started running, following a path that had been leading further and further into the forest. He had heard his footsteps reverberating from the moist underground. And something else. Something that could be drowned out by nothing.

He had picked up pace, started to run faster and faster, harder and harder, his breath becoming louder and louder and yet they had been there. Haunting him.  
The underground had become thicker and he had started to tumble. Pulling out his lightsaber, he had slashed his way through his surroundings. Further and further he had run, too afraid to stop, because if he'd had, the voices would have suffocated him.

His saber had been violently shaking in his hand as he had run deeper and deeper, the rain slashing into his face, drowning him just as the voices inside his head. But the faster he had run, the louder they had seemed to get.

He had been blindly slashing at everything by now, letting his rage and anger guide his hand and the red gleaming saber in it. His view had gotten blurry, his head spinning due to the lack of oxygen and he had stumbled more than he had run by now.

When his legs had forced him to come to a halt, he had gone on, slashing, slicing through everything his lightsaber had been able to reach, blindly, aimlessly.

When his hands had been shaking so uncontrollably from the physical effort that he had to let his saber drop to the muddy ground, he had capitulated. Heavily breathing he had dropped to his knees, desperately trying to catch his breath.

Incredible pain had been filling his lungs and it had forced him to drop to his hands. The sobs he had tried to suppress with all the strength he'd had left, rising in his throat,.

He had stared at his shaking hands, covered in mud, as the voices had kept going on inside his head. With barely enough breath, one word left his lips. One short word, just a syllable, just a name.

_Rey._

It had been barely more than a whisper, his voice shaking, breaking, but he had repeated her name over and over again. Until the whisper had become a sound and the sound had become a shout, until it had turned into a scream.

_REY._

And just as weeks before, when the doors of the Falcon had closed, cutting the bond they had shared, there had been a snap, so loud and palpable that it had made him recoil. And he had felt it. He had felt _her._

Through the darkness that had been an endless black all these weeks, slowly, very slowly, tiny fragile streaks of light had been weaving again, barely visible, but for him it had been as if they would have lit his entire being. And not just that, they had been warming him, comforting him, sheltering him from the rain that had still been pouring down on him mercilessly.

His breathing had slowed down and his shaking hands had slowly stilled. He had closed his eyes and just listened to the rain - and gasped. He had been able to heard the rain. He hadn't properly heard anything for the last couple of weeks without the constant nagging voices in his head overlapping everything. But right there, right then, he had been able to hear the rain; the voices only a faint whisper in the back of his mind rather than the loud screams they had become over time. And something else. Laughter. Carefree, honest laughter. Her laughter. He hadn't been able to see anything, not her, nor her surroundings and her voice had been very faint, but he had been able to hear her. He hadn't known what she had been laughing about, nor how many galaxies away she had been, but it hadn't mattered. All that had mattered had been _that._ That moment. And that connection.

A relief so powerful that it had took his breath away, had washed over him. And in that moment it had not been a drop of rain running down his cheek.

He had remained where he had been, hands buried in mud, rain running down his body, unable to move and just kept listening.

He had never seen her smile, let alone laugh, before, not in his presence, not for him, not because of him and yet he had been able to imagine her so well. Corners of her mouth lifted, a sparkling in her eyes, arms wide. The opposite to the appearance he knew. Jaw clenched, eyes hard and unforgiving, arms crossed in front her body.

Even if it had hurt to hear her being so happy, surrounded by people she cared about, who cared about her while he had been here, soaked, haunted, alone, a faint smile had started to appear around the corners of his mouth. It had been a mixture of relief - that they were, even if by a thin thread, linked; of happiness - because she had been happy; and of something else. A feeling he hadn't been quite able to name. A feeling he had only ever felt once. With her. A feeling that, even being entirely on his own, had made him feel ... less alone ... like he belonged ... somewhere. A feeling he never wanted to lose again.

He hadn't known for how long he had remained like this but when her laughter and her voice had slowly faded away he had known he didn't need to be afraid. Because even if he hadn't been able to hear her anymore, he had still felt her presence, that warm light, surrounding him, that slight tugging like a string being pulled, grounding him, keeping him balanced.

Heavily he had gotten up from the ground, legs still aching from exhaustion and had picked up his lightsaber. And the same way his body had started to relax, so had his saber. Instead of vibrating uncontrollably, gleaming dark red, it had dissolved into a bright red and there had been a certain control to the otherwise unstable crackling.

With a calmness he hadn't felt in weeks, he had walked back to his ship and left, what he later found out to be, Ajan Kloss.

* * *

Slowly he loosened his grip around the steering wheel and opened and closed his numb fingers. Just as back then, the trembling had stopped and a calmness was spreading through his body. Closing his eyes, he focused on their bond, on her.

It took mere seconds to be in her world. It had been so many month now since the bond had inexplicably reopened and yet he always had to catch his breath whenever he saw her again. Right now she was, as so often the last couple of month, sitting in the driver's seat of the Falcon, her legs crossed and supported on the console, something his father would have killed her for while he only had to smile. He would have done exactly the same.

She had let her hair grow and it was one of these rare occasions where she wore it open rather than into her buns. Like a waterfall it was falling around her face and she eagerly pushed it back behind her ears. As every time, she was studying one of the old Jedi books and usually he accompanied her, looking over her shoulder to read along. Not this time, though. This time, he just kept looking at her and let the warmth and peace that was spreading off her, calm his raging soul.

* * *

The night after their bond had mended, he had finally slept again. And every other night that had followed. The whispers hadn't been gone, but just as back then, they had been in the back of his mind, a constant nagging, but far from suffocating him, letting him wake up screaming. And he hadn't cared less. Because that first night, he had dreamed of her. And the next night, and the night after.

First he had thought it had just been his subconsciousness, nothing more than a projection of his thoughts, his wish to see and hear her, but after several nights he had realized it was way more than that.

In the beginning, it had remained just the feeling of warmth, of light and her faint muffled voice, but the more he had reached out to her, the stronger the connection had grown.  
Slowly he had started to be able to hear her voice clearer and clearer until it had felt like she would be standing right next to him. In the beginning, it had only happened at night; then during the day as well. He had started to see her blurry outlines until he could see her full shape, just as back when they had first been connected and she had pointed that blaster at him.

The only difference was that this time, it was one sided.

The first few times he had visited her, he had always held his breath, preparing himself for her to feel his presence, to realize he was there - and to see that look in her eyes again.

But nothing had happened.

Until now, month later, he could visit her, watch her, listen to her - completely unseen. He didn't know why and sometimes he wished it would be different but then he reminded himself that it was for the best. That she had cut the connection in the first place. That she hadn't wanted this anymore and wouldn't want it now. She had decided to end the bond back then, he'd had no saying. This time it was him who got to decide, this time he had a saying. And that might be exactly the reason it was one sided.

After a while he had been able to not only see her but her surroundings as well. First it had been only direct surroundings. Her bed, the driver's seat of the Falcon, high trees, muddy pathways. But with time, he had been able to make out the whole room she had been standing in, as well as her conversation partners. He had seen the pilot, the traitor, a woman she seemed to have a lot of trust in named Rose; people who he didn't manage to look at, cutting the connection every single time they had appeared in his sight - Chewbacca, his mother.

One day he had watched her train. She was progressing fast, speeding through the forest, wielding her lightsaber like she had done nothing else her entire life. Watching her pass by enormous trees in a humid climate, trees that grew so high that the sky was nearly invisible, just some blue here and there, once in a while. And he had caught his breath.

Those trees, that climate ... It had been like he could have felt the humidity, the rain, on his skin again as he had been running, fleeing through the underground, from the ever present voices. It had been the exact same forest. He had been running along the exact same path she had been running along in that moment.

On that day, the day he had needed to escape it all, he had followed a feeling, had typed in coordinates his subconscious had told him. And while the climate of the planet had suffocated him, the rain had drowned him, it had nevertheless felt right to be there. He hadn't known why then, he had an idea now. He had chosen that planet because it was where she was, where he was close to her, where he had gained back his control, his balance ... because of her.

He had been so close to her; without knowing. He had been so close to the base of the Resistance; without knowing. When the realization had hit him, he had stopped in his tracks. For month the First Order had been searching for the hiding place of what was left of the Resistance. Without luck. His old masters sacrifice had gained them just enough time to hide so effectively that even after month, they were still digging in the dark.

They.

He could hardly say he had been participating in the search to bring down the Resistance. Very much to the dislike of the whole leadership of the First Order. They had expected something else. Someone else. The ruthless Kylo Ren they had seen all those past years, someone who had been trained and steered by Snoke and would step straight into his footsteps. The man who had gotten up from the ground in the throne room that day and had declared himself Supreme Leader while strangling Hux had planned exactly that.

_I will kill her and you and all of it._

But that man, in a childish act, had let fury, rage and disappointment spoken while he had faced his old master. That man had wanted to show his strength, his power and his ability to lead. That man had still felt the need to proof himself to everyone, to proof himself worthy - of being Supreme Leader. Had felt the need to show her he wouldn't need her to rule the galaxy, that he was better off on his own anyway.  
All he had managed had been to let the Resistance escape. And all that had spoken out off him had been his wounded pride, and something he should have been so used to by now. Being rejected, left behind. That was why the moment he had been in the empty commando station, kneeling on the ground, his father's dices in his hands and had seen her standing there in the door of the Millennium Falcon, all the anger and rage had vanished - and he had known that the last thing he would ever be able to do was to kill her.

Yet, that didn’t mean he wanted what she wanted. She not only wanted to hold on to something that was long outdated but something that had failed him, a whole system that had failed him and kept repeating its mistakes over and over again.

Where was the difference in back then and now? In the rise of the Empire and the First Order? In Palpatine and Snoke? It was a never ending circle. And it didn’t matter if it where the Sith or the Jedi - both institutions were flawed, flawed to the core, with high ideals they themselves never even managed to fulfill. Ideals that even lead to the near extinction of both in the past.

So what would he gain if he would destroy the Resistance? Pain and suffering. Both of which he had experienced enough himself. But change? No. The last thing it would bring was change. The galaxy would just be back to be ruled by maniacs who wanted to exercise control and power. Nothing else. And if he would fight with the Resistance? Maybe even bring down the First Order? Then they could rebuild their Republic with a senate that was incapable of true actions, holding themselves back by rules, wasting time by discussing useless topics over and over again rather than acting and exercising change and over the years a new evil would rise out of the inability of the system to act.

That was the reason he had kept the hiding place of the Resistance to himself - and that was why he would never take the offer the Emperor had made him, even if he might have him made believe so.

_I can give you so much more. A new empire. It will be yours if you do as I ask._

The old Kylo Ren would have agreed. The old Kylo Ren would have agreed to power, strength and destruction. But that wasn’t him anymore. He wasn’t that child from Crait anymore who wielded his lightsaber in pure rage straight through his old master, too blinded by his temper and loss of control to realize his master wasn’t even really present. He wasn’t that insecure fragile child anymore who would follow a master and do his bidding. Too insecure to know what he wants himself, too afraid to go after what he wants. Busy, to only live up to others but not himself. 

Something had changed. Something had shifted. The old Kylo Ren didn’t know who he was. The old Kylo Ren was created - by others. Not anymore. This Kylo Ren knew who he was. Knew what he wanted. This Kylo Ren would be created by no one but himself. And he would accomplish what he wanted, everything he wanted. He was not weak anymore, acting out of rage, uncontrolled. Failing. Trying to become like someone he was not. Someone who had been manipulated with the foolish promise to save those he loved; just to be the very reason for their deaths in the end, someone who without thinking had made someone else's goals his own; and in the end, had accomplished what? Not even killing the emperor. Nothing. His sacrifice had been for nothing. It had changed nothing. No, he would not become like that. Not become like Vader. Nor would he become like the grotesque monster who had just done the emperors bidding, shouting demands, never moving a single finger and whose arrogance had been his downfall in the end. No, he wouldn’t become like that either.  
He would become something else. Something new. Something different. Someone who changed the ever returning circle of good versus evil. Of one destroying the other. 

_Kill the girl. End the Jedi._

Yes, he would end the Jedi.  
And he would end the Sith.  
And the Emperor.  
All of it.  
  
But not by killing her.  
With her.

_She is not who you think she is._

No, she was not. She was not who he thought she would be. A scavenger. Lonely. Left behind by filthy junk traders who sold her off for drinking money. Parents who never came back. Who were dead in a paupers grave in the Jakku desert. Someone who came from nothing. Who was nothing.

The vision on Ach-To had indeed shown him just that.  
And it hadn't lied. He hadn't lied. It was all true.

She had been left behind by her parents. Who had told the story that they had sold her off. And who had died and were buried out in the nowhere.  
But it was just that, a story. A story to make everyone believe their daughter was nothing. No one. That she wasn’t the descendant of the most powerful man in the galaxy. That she wasn’t a Palpatine.

* * *

He let his head drop against the backrest and watched as thunder and lightning in a rhythmic, never ending circle chased across the sky. A constant exchange of darkness followed by light and light followed by darkness. One couldn’t be without the other. As if they would be two sides of the same coin, an unbreakable bond. Neither of them entirely good or evil. Both in a constant balance. Both able to bring destruction, to wreck havoc, to frighten, to destroy. A powerful bond.  
  
A dyad.

The day he had found out, had been one like every other. She had sat on her bed rather than in the Flacon but just as always she had been bend over the Jedi texts, studying, trying to find answers to all her questions. And he had sat with her, just as all the other days, trying to find answers himself.

He had been lost in his thoughts, distracted by her proximity, when from the corner of his eye a drawing had caught his attention. A swirling eight. Filled, half black, half white. One replacing the other in a constant circle. And under it was written a word, one he had never heard before.

_Dyad._

The unbreakable connection, the unbreakable bond, between two beings. A Jedi and a Sith. Light and Darkness. A connection that hadn’t appeared in a thousand years. A connection that made it possible for two beings to interact, even across planets, across galaxies. To hear the words the other speaks, to see the surroundings the other sees, to reach what the other can reach.

All the moments their bond had opened had passed in front of his eyes.  
Her hut on Ach-To. Her laser shot. The hate in her eyes.  
_I can’t see your surroundings. Just you._  
Rain. The Flacon. That look, again.  
_You are a monster. Yes, I am._  
Darkness. Tears in her eyes.  
_Did he tell you what happened?_  
Her hut again. A fire. Different eyes. His hand touching hers.  
_You are not alone. Neither are you._  
The Falcon. Disappointment. A closing door.

So his master had lied in the end. Snoke had lied that he had linked them. It hadn’t been him, nor anybody else. It had been the Force, creating a connection so rare that it hadn’t appeared in over a thousand years. A connection created by the force itself. Linking Jedi and Sith. Light and Dark. Good and Evil. Making them one. One not able to live without the other. Linked for all eternity. In life and death.

So this was the reason. This was the reason for it all. For being able to see her, to hear her, to interact with her. This was the reason for these ... feelings. Like Belonging. Like Compassion. Like need. Like ... a feeling he had never felt before. A feeling that made his heart skip a beat whenever she looked at him, a feeling that made him want to be close to her, a feeling that shook him to the core.  
The balance he felt while being around her, near her, close to her. The light that was so different, that wasn’t destroying him, tormenting him like it always had but instead warming him, comforting him, soothing him. Balancing out the darkness in him, in his soul. Not fighting it, trying to replace it, like every other light in his life always had. But accepting it. Accepting it as the protection it was. His savior, his safety. From the pain and the suffering, from the abuse. And most of all, from the feelings that came along with it. Feelings he couldn’t face. Feelings he never learned to face. Feelings that would destroy him if he did.

He needed her.  
He needed her more than he cared to admit.


	2. Connection (Rey)

_Be with me ..._

Rey was floating several feet over the deep green ground that covered most of Ajan Kloss. She had thought Takodana would be the greenest planet she had ever seen. She was wrong. Though the air sometimes felt suffocating due to its humidity, she loved to be here, to run through the forest, let the enormous trees pass by and feel the water on her skin. It was such a difference to the dust on Jakku that crept into every pore and covered you in a thick layer of dust. While she could never quite breathe freely on Jakku, here on Ajan Kloss she finally could.

Reminded of it, she inhaled deeply, feeling the energy humming around her, feeling every being and its life force. By now she was able to float with nearly no effort. Several stones were circling in the air around her, some lighter, some heavier. She could hear the voices of several Resistance members in the distance and couldn't help but smile. Another difference to Jakku. They might live in sporadically build houses just as she had on the desert planet, far from being comfortable or homey but she wasn't fighting day in and day out just on her own anymore . She had people who fought along with her. People she could rely on when she needed help, who supported her, who were there for her and who cared for her. A family. Belonging. She wasn't alone anymore.

_You are not alone._

Only by pulling hard on the Force surrounding her, she could prevent herself from crashing to the ground.  
It was as if his voice had been _there,_ right next to her.  
She had felt the feeling before, this feeling of belonging. In a hut. On an island. Far far away. What felt like a long time ago. When his hand had touched hers. And he had looked into her eyes and she had looked into his. When she had been able to look into the depth of his souls and he into hers. No walls. No masks. No light. No darkness. When he had been Ben. Just Ben.

Rey took another deep breath, trying to regain balance. Outwardly it appeared like she would be in complete unison, always in synchronicity with the Force, it was hardly more than the appearance, make believe. It had been a long time since she had been in balance. Since she had felt balanced. Even being able to feel the Force, she felt that she hadn't really access to it, that she could channel and use it like she used to. Like when she had been in a room, clad in blood red, her lightsaber in her hand feeling like an extension of her arm, humming, gleaming bright blue, ready to be wielded, back to back with the man who was supposed to be her enemy. And yet. Just as she had felt that the saber belonged right where it had been, in her hand, she had felt like she belonged right where she had been, right there, back to back with him. They were the total opposite. In every single way. And yet it had felt right. Complete. Like a balance. Harmony. Like two sides of the same thing.

She wanted to scream. But that would have been another reminder of the lack of balance she was experiencing ... since then. Since she had left Crait. Since the door of the Falcon had shut close.  
Her emotions were just like her thoughts, a raging storm, barely under control, unsteady.  
She had hoped that it would pass, that over time everything would be normal again, like it used to be. That she would be normal again, like she used to be.  
She put all her energy into the Jedi training, practicing every minute, reading every page of the Jedi texts. But it seemed that the harder she tried to forget the hut, the throne room, Crait ... their connection ... him ... the easier all of it ... and he ... came to her mind. Rey hadn't wanted any of it, she still didn't but it cost her so much strength to keep it shut and to keep him out, strength she didn't have anymore.

The bond had snapped when she had closed the door of the Falcon, She had felt it. It had pierced right through her, had her gasping, much like the expression in his eyes when he had kneeled there on the ground looking up at her, a plead on his lips, words that never got out.

For month she had felt nothing at all. In the beginning it had been strange. She had realized how used she had gotten to the constant hum of the bond in the back of her mind, of the feeling to be linked ... to someone ... across space ... across time. At the same time she had been relieved- that she hadn't had to face him anymore. He had made a decision and so had she. And yet.

_Join me._

And yet, she could try as hard as she wanted to retreat back into her old self - jump into her white tights and shirt, bind her hair into her three buns, morning after morning and wrap a piece of leather around her right arm, hiding the scar that inevitably reminded her of a fight fought together, on the same side, the person staring at her in the mirror would never be the same as she was before. That person would never be able to erase the image of his outstretched hand. Or his voice. Or his eyes. In that moment. _Please ..._

On Ach-To, in the small hut, warmed less by the burning fire but his presence; in the throne room when she had gotten up from the ground and he had ignited his lightsaber, illuminating his face in shades of red and he had looked her in the eyes; she had felt it, she had seen it ... the real person behind the mask, behind the creature, the monster that was Kylo Ren.

But as soon as he had dropped the lightsaber that once belonged to his grandfather, turning to the corpse of the Supreme Leader, it had been as if he had put it right back on. As if she had seen a bit too much, as if he had gone a step too far out of the boundaries he had set up for himself, as if he had lowered his walls just an inch too much. And in that moment the person she had gotten to know, the person she had started to trust more and more after each moment they had shared through their bond, slowly, with each word, had vanished again, behind that mask. Until there had been nothing left of Ben Solo. Just Kylo Ren. And it had been Kylo Ren who had offered her his hand, who had asked her to join him. And it was Kylo Ren's hand she had refused.

_Why does it always have to be Kylo Ren? Why not just Ben?_

It had been a question she had asked herself in that moment. It had been a question she had asked herself on Crait. And it was a question she kept repeating over and over again in her mind, a question she couldn't get out of her head - because she couldn't find the answer.

She had seen his eyes, pleading, when he had offered her his hand. She had seen the longing inside of them, the fear of rejection, the hope. And yet, it hadn't been the same eyes that had looked at her on Ach-To.

She had heard the insecurity in his voice when he had offered her to stand beside him, she had heard the despair in his whispered _please._ And yet it hadn't been the same voice that had told her she wasn't alone.  
And the hand he had extended towards her, wrapped in his black glove, surrounded by darkness, hadn't been the same hand he had extended to her, across the stars, unwrapped, bathed in the warm light of the fire.

She hadn't been able to take his hand. As much as she had wanted to. Not like this.

_You are still holding on. Let go._

He might have been right. But as much as she might be unable to accept change, as much as she might desperately hold onto everything, reality or fantasy, so was he.

Rey had felt his hurt, his pain, when she had gone for the lightsaber instead of his hand, she had felt how his walls had risen up in an instant again, higher than before. Yet another person who had betrayed him, yet another person he needed to protect himself against, who he had believed he could trust, but he couldn't. She had felt his rage, his anger, how the darkness had taken hold of him again, strengthening its grip.

When she had regained consciousness after the lightsaber had split apart and she had seen him laying there, immobile, eyes closed, not troubled by anger, pain or hurt, she had followed an unexplainable instinct and kneeled beside his body, not caring about the risk that he might wake up and she would have to face that anger and pain again. In that moment, staring down at this conflicted man, torn between darkness and light, Ben Solo and Kylo Ren, she had asked herself why he didn't see that the person who betrayed him the most, the one he trusted the least, was himself.  
As a tear had slid unrecognized down her cheek and dropped onto his hand, she had rushed up and climbed into the first ship she had come across, hastily leaving the Supremacy and him behind.

On Crait, while she had tried to free the people she had started to see as her family, the same people he disguised so much, she had felt it again. In each blow he had stroked against his former master, she had felt the same anger, the same pain and the same hurt.  
And she had seen how fast it had vanished when he had kneeled there on the ground, staring up at her with these same pleading eyes from the throne room, silently begging her again. _Join me._  
And the last thing she had felt through the bound had been the jolt that had run through his body after she had closed the door of the Millennium Falcon and with that their connection.

She had known how much it would hurt him, what she hadn't expected had been how much it had hurt her. But there had been and there still was no other way. He had forced her to decide. And she didn't want to. She couldn't. All she ever wanted was a family. And all she ever wanted was to belong. So why did she have to decide between the one or the other?

It had stayed silent in her mind for month.  
She had begun to think that she had really cut their connection permanently. And even if it had pained her, she had known it was for the best. And whenever she had heard Leia's warm voice behind her, had been wrapped in one of Rose' tight hugs, gotten her hair tussled by Chewie or even fevered discussed matters with Poe, she knew she had done the right thing.

That day she had been sitting, as so often, in the Falcon, feet on the console and one of the Jedi books on her knees. She had been deep into a text about building a lightsaber and fixing a kyber crystal when Poe, Finn and Rose came in, laughing. Poe had ripped the book out of her hand, dropping into the co-pilots seat and had started to mock her by imitating her recent and all familiar pose, trying to recite what she had just been reading. When he had realized the old Jedi language wasn't as easy to read, he had switched to some imaginary mumbo-jumbo, making them all burst into laughter.  
And in that moment she had felt it. Pain. His pain. A pain so deep that she had to gasp and clutch a hand to her chest.

The others hadn't noticed, too concentrated on not choking on their laughter and she had gained back control in an instant, joining in their laughter again. Yet the pain had remained. And something else. Something so familiar. A humming, a resonation, a connection.

She hadn't known where he had been, nor what had been happening to him. She hadn't been able to see his surroundings or him nor had she been able to hear his voice. All she had been able to was to feel his pain slicing through her like it was her own. So deep, so raw, so desperate, so lost. And something else. A longing. For something. For someone ... maybe.

She hadn't been able to help but feeling with him. Without really realizing it, without really being able to control it, she had send a feeling through the bond, one that was familiar. One he had send her, when she had needed it so desperately, sitting soaking wet in a hut and not even the fire had managed to warm her. But that feeling, that feeling had. This feeling of not being alone, that someone was there ... for you.   
  
She had wished to take it back in an instant, and at the same time she hadn't. She knew she couldn't trust him, she knew she had to stay away from him as far as possible and yet.  
  
That pain ... That pain had made it impossible.  
  
She had gotten a response nearly immediately. Shock, disbelief ... relief. And she had felt how the pain, how his pain, had eased. It had still been there but while she had felt how it had choked him, she had felt how he had been able to breathe again.  
  
Because of her.  
  
She had swallowed. And for the first time a thought had crossed her mind. If she had such an influence on him, maybe, in the end, it was her fault. It was her fault that the First Order had a new Supreme Leader. That she could have been the one to turn it all around. If she had just taken his hand.

She had believed he was their last hope. Instead, she had been his.

But why? Why did he had to hide back? Why had he retreated back to this other person? Why did he lock away Ben the moment she got a glimpse of him? What made him do it? What made him distrust Ben so much? What made him hate him so much?

In that moment, she had made a promise to herself. That it had been the only time she had allowed the bond to open again. Otherwise they would be back to that moment in the throne room in an instant. And she knew he would ask her that same question, as that same person, the person she hated so much, more than anything. And she would say no again, just as back then. Hurting him, again. And they would be caught in this circle, with no way to escape, no way out. Not as long as they remained like this. Not as long as he made her choose, not as long as he kept hiding.

Sadly, it had been easier said than done. The bond had remained. Even after she had lost the connection to him, she still had felt the bond humming in the back of her mind, this feeling of being linked across time and space to someone.

She had felt him touch her mind. First only in her sleep, later at day, too. When she had been running through the forest, when she had discussed mechanics with Rose, when she had laughed with Finn and Poe, when she had sat in the Falcon to read the Jedi texts. Never though when she had spend time with Chewie ... or Leia. Sometimes he had stayed longer, sometimes only for a few minutes, even seconds.  
  
It had cost her strength, a lot of it, but she had successfully managed to keep the bond closed.

She hadn't seen him, she hadn't heard him at all until now. Feelings. Feelings were a different story, though. In that, she had completely failed. Most of the time it had been unsteadiness, wary, breaking through to her and filling her soul. But there had been times when she had felt anger and rage, too. Hurt. And loneliness. Just like back then. Before they had met. 

By now, sleep deprived, unbalanced and impatient - with her stagnating Jedi training, with the Skywalker lightsaber after all this time still in pieces, with reading through Jedi texts again and again and yet not getting any wiser, with her failing ability to hear the voices of the Jedi, with the rising anger that Luke wouldn't speak to her to guide her, keeping the bond from opening asked of something she barely had anymore. Strength.

_Be with me ... Be with me ... Be with me ..._

Furiously she tried one last time, putting all her strength, all her energy, all her despair into these silent words.

The rocks fell to the ground with a loud shutter and only her quick reflexes held her from crashing right after them. Landing in a crouching position, she breathed heavily. Eyes forced shut, she put all her effort into raising her walls, into shutting the door that had just opened - into his world.

She had indeed reached someone. Him.

He was sitting in his TIE, darkness surrounding his ship, only occasionally illuminated by heavy lightening, that was followed by deafening thunder. She could hear him breathe heavily, his hands gripping the steering wheel tight, his head lowered down. It was just a moment, just a second, until she managed to rip herself out of it. And yet, even not having seen him in nearly a year, not since Crait, the sight of him unbalanced her, even more than she already was.

Heavily, she got up from the ground. She needed distraction, something that would keep her mind busy, something that would erase the sight of him out of her mind. With fast steps, she hurried back to her quarters.

* * *

An hour later she was furiously throwing the broken pieces of the legacy lightsaber onto the table. Why wouldn’t it work? Why wasn’t she able to fix it? Angrily, she turned the pages of the Jedi texts around and around, searching for an answer. One she couldn’t find. And wouldn’t get. Because there was no one to tell her. She send out a furious scream, then let her head drop onto the open book.  
  
A hand was softly laid on Rey's shoulder. She didn’t need to turn around to see whose hand it was nor did she have to hear her voice. They remained like this for a moment, neither of them speaking. She always knew when to stay silent, how to calm her down in the right way. She had to several times over the past month. Rey sighted then lifted her head and turned to face Leia.  
  


‘Studying the old Jedi texts again? Aren’t you sick of them by now?’, Leia asked, a smile circling around her lips - a sad one, though, one that spoke of regret, of apology.  
  
Rey just looked up at her and shrugged, the same smile crossing her features.  
  
’What do you think you will find in them what you don’t already know?’

‘I don’t know. Answers ... maybe. Leia, I have so many questions. So many things I still don’t know. I don’t manage to connect to the Jedis as hard as I try, I am professional in meditating and yet I hear nothing, absolutely nothing. As if they wouldn’t want to talk to me. As if they wouldn’t want to help me! I trained as hard as I could, day in day out, at night, in the driest heat and thunderstorms with rain so strong I couldn’t even see my saber, I read everything I could about creating lightsabers.' Rey's voice had raised several levels, nearly becoming a scream. 'And yet I fail to fix this goddamn thing.’ At her last words, she took a piece of the Skywalker lightsaber and thrown it across the Falcon. Tears had build behind her eyes and she clenched her teeth to prevent them from flowing.

‘How am I supposed to became a Jedi like that?’ she added, her voice shaking. 

The expression in Leia's eyes let a single tear run down her cheek in the end.  
She knew she would hurt her with her words, She knew what they would do to her, what they would remind her of and yet. She had tried so hard the past month, tried her best to fill the void that Luke had left and to teach her everything he had taught her. And yet she felt it wasn’t enough. Rey had too many questions and Leia had too little experience. And the more they progressed in the young woman's training, the more impatient Rey became with her lack of improvement, something else crept into their relationship. She could see it in Leia's eyes, hear it in her voice, sometimes even in the touch of her hand on her shoulder. While it had been only support, positivity and confidence in the beginning, it had started to shift to wary, doubt and a kind of resemblance. As if she would remind her of something - or someone.  
  
The first time she had recognized it, it had broken her heart and she had fallen asleep only in the early morning when exhaustion from hours of crying had overwhelmed her. She hadn’t talked about it with her, she couldn’t. She didn’t know how to and she didn’t even know if she wanted to. She was too afraid what Leia would say. She expected her to stop the training sooner or later but she didn't. So they went on like this. The wary growing in her master while the unbalance was growing in the young padawan.

She didn’t know what it was that made her brave enough now. Brave enough to face the consequences. Maybe the burden to be the hope of the Resistance, their secret weapon, while she already failed in her training; maybe the sleep deprivation and the low tolerance border she had due to it; maybe the constant reminder of the bond in the back of her mind; maybe the sight of _him_ after so long or maybe all of it together.  
  
’Why are you still training me, Leia?’ _,_ she asked and there was no anger left in her voice, just sadness.  
  
’What do you mean?’, shock audible in the general's voice.  
  
‘You know what I mean. You feel it just as much as I do. You see it just as much as I do. I can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice. I see and feel it in everything you do.’  
  
Leia sighted, then took place in the co-pilots seat. She looked outside for a moment as if she would search for an answer, for guidance, then she took Rey's hands that had gripped the fabric of her white leggings tight, in her own and looked her straight in the eyes.  
  
‘I wish I could be a better teacher for you, Rey. I know - I see, I feel - how I fail you ...’  
  
Rey interrupted her before she could go on.  
  
‘You mean that is what this is about? _You_ failing _me_?’  
  
‘What else should it be, love? I tried but I know I am not Luke ...’  
  
The young woman shook her head in disbelief.  
  
‘No, you are not ... and I am glad’, she added hastily as a pang of hurt filled her expression. ‘You are the best teacher I can hope for, Leia. Someone else would have ended _this_ already, would have send me away month ago.’  
  
‘Why do you think that?’ she asked in honest surprise.  
  
‘Because of _this!_ ’ Rey shouted impatiently, ripped her hands out of Leias and threw her arms out to the sides. ‘I am just like him’, she added in a whisper. ‘I feel the darkness inside me and I know you feel it, too. And you are afraid of it, just as you were when you felt it rise in him.’

’Rey ...’, Leia started and reached for her hands again. ‘You believed all these month that this is the reason? That I am afraid of you? I am so sorry you believed that. I should have spoken to you earlier, I see that now. I believed you hadn’t recognized.’ 

‘So it is true.’

‘Let me finish’, she said, a finger raised to silence her. ‘You believe that I am afraid of the darkness in you? The darkness I saw from the very first moment we met?’

Rey gaped, ready to interrupt her again but Leia's look silenced her instantly.

‘You are so powerful, Rey, more powerful than you believe yourself, see yourself. And with powerful light comes powerful darkness. With power comes strength - strength that can be expressed in so many different ways. Good and bad. You can’t be all good all the time, you can’t be the light all the time. That would mean you are always confident, always happy, always optimistic. Would that be realistic? Would that be human? No. With confidence comes insecurity, with happiness comes sadness and with optimism comes despair.’She raised one of her hands to wish away the tear that was running down Rey's cheek and smiled.  
  
’So I meant it. The shift you felt, the wary and the doubt you saw rise in me was not about you or in you, but about me and in myself. I knew you would develop powers greater than I could imagine, powers I only saw twice before - in Luke and in my son. In the beginning I thought that maybe this was the right path - to train you. Luke is the most powerful Jedi I know and yet he failed with Ben. So I thought, maybe ... maybe being powerful, having all the knowledge one could get wasn’t the essential part of being a good teacher. It is part of it, sure, but maybe not the quintessence. I spoke to Luke and he agreed, told me to try. So I did. But you progressed so fast, faster than I could follow in progressing as a teacher. You started to have so many questions, questions I couldn’t answer and I saw how every lack of answer, every lack of knowledge made you grow more impatient, more unsteady and unbalanced and I didn’t know what to do about it. Luke told me to not give up, to believe in myself and this path I had chosen in training you but ... I feel how I fail you more with every day. I lost the person I love the most, the person I didn’t want to fail under any circumstances ... and yet I did. I can’t repeat that mistake with you, Rey.’

Rey remained silent and let her words sink in.

‘Why aren’t you afraid of the darkness in me ... but you were in him?’ she asked after a while.

‘Who said I was afraid of the darkness in him?’ Leia replied earnest. ‘You are right. You are like him. And you remind me of him. I can’t tell you how often you do. You two are so eager to learn, so impatient if it doesn’t work out straight away. I see the love you have for this garbage of a ship, the same love he had. Did I tell you that he sneaked out more than once to sleep in one of the cramped cabins of the Falcon rather than in his comfortable bed in our home?’

Rey shook her head laughing.  
  
‘You both have the same reckless way of flying’, Leia went on, ‘You both love to discuss things as long as the opponent gives in and agrees with whatever point of view you have, you both have incredible strength and by that I don’t mean the Force, you are enduring, you fight for what you want, you are willing to go that extra step only little people are willing to go, you are selfless, you show empathy to each and everyone, no matter if human or droid, you love selflessly and deeply ... with all your heart ....’

For a moment none of them spoke. Rey saw how Leia lingered in the memories of her son. The memories of a person that didn’t exist anymore, did he?

_Your son is dead. I killed him._

Words heard from far away, too far away to change the course the interaction between father and son would take, shot into my mind.

‘I didn’t send him away because I was afraid of the darkness rising in him. I never was. I saw the same heart in him. The same heart I saw in you when we first met. I still see that heart in you, no matter the darkness you might experience, Rey. And I still see that heart in him, in my son, in Ben. No matter what he did. And I see, I feel, that you do, too. You got glimpses of the person behind the mask, didn’t you? And even after everything, even now, you still haven’t given up hope that this person still exists. Just as I haven’t.’

Rey wanted to protest, to tell her she was wrong. But she couldn’t. Leia knew her so well by now that she would have debunked her lie in an instant. And that is what it would have been, a lie. Because she had indeed not given up hope. She was indeed still holding on to that tiny flicker of a feeling she couldn't shake - that he was still in there somewhere, buried behind all these walls, the real Ben. And moments like that, when he was kneeling on the ground, shaking, and she felt his loneliness, his longing, she knew she was right in doing so. 

‘His darkness didn’t scare me, but mine did’, Leia went on, ripping Rey out of her thoughts.

‘Yours?! How ....’

‘I never told you why I didn’t finish my Jedi training. I never told anyone. Not even my brother. At least, not the full truth. I told Luke that the Force had shown me a different path, the path of a politician. And that is the path I took. But it wasn’t what the Force had shown me. The Force had shown me something else. You know, I was never a brilliant fighter, I was never good with a lightsaber. Luke always complained about my footwork and that I didn’t see the lightsaber as an extension of myself but just as a weapon and frankly that’s all I saw.’ Leia laughed and Rey couldn’t help but grin.

‘Anyway, as bad as I was with a lightsaber, as good I was in linking myself to my surroundings, in letting the Force flow through me, in letting it guide me. At day ... and at night. Luke said I was exceptional ... but different. I was. I am. The first visions I had were short, minor, about a sentence that I would say the next day or an action I would take. I didn’t even know what was happening nor did I pay much attention. But over time this ability of mine developed. I didn’t want to because the more frequent it happened, the more terrified I got. I didn’t tell anybody until the day I was floating upside down, my arms outstretched, completely one with the Force. Something Luke never managed to do. He had sensed that I was different long before but wanted to wait until I was ready to face my powers. That day I was. With his help and trusting my own instincts, over time I managed to handle these visions. To control them, instead of letting them control me and my decisions.’  
  
Leia stopped and took in a deep breath. She had been looking out the window of the Falcon the entire time, deep in her memories but now she turned her head to look me straight in the eyes.  
  
’Until the night I saw my son die at the end of my Jedi path. 30 years ago.’

Rey gasped, mouth open, eyes wide, letting her words sink in.  
  
’But ...’, she started.  
  
’But he hadn’t even been born yet?’ Leia finished her sentence. ‘He hadn’t.’ Leia fell silent yet again.  
  
’3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. 21 days in.’ Leia sighted and Rey could see how hard she was fighting with herself. How to say words she had never said out loud.

‘The vision was blurry, it was a rush of images, images I could hardly make out. I saw a lot of darkness, felt a lot of pain but also relief even a rush of happiness. But I couldn’t make sense of these pictures and these emotions. All I knew was that if I followed the Jedi path, my son would die at its end. And that was something I couldn't allow, something I wouldn’t survive, so I stepped away. The next day I told Luke that I had a vision about a different path meant for me and that I would lay my lightsaber down. I put it away in a place no one would ever find it and never touched it again. The moment I made that decision, the visions stopped and so did my connection to the Force.’  
  
’But ... but how did you know it would come true? I mean aren’t visions just a possible way things can go but that it doesn’t necessarily mean they have to become true?’

‘That wasn’t a risk I was willing to take. I swore to myself I wouldn’t step into the footsteps of my father.’

‘What do you mean?’ Rey asked astonished.  
  
’I do have these powers with a reason’, Leia simply answered, her gaze hard.  
  
’Your father ... How do you ...?’

‘Luke told me. When my powers started to manifest, he assumed it must have been genetic and spoke to Obi-Wan Kenobi. He confirmed it. And told him a story ... about how a vision could turn the person you trusted the most into your enemy. And how fear can win over love. Only very few people know how my father became Darth Vader, how the Chosen One fell, how the Jedi became a Sith. It was love ... and the fear of losing it. When Anakin Skywalker dreamed of his wife dying at their child’s birth, he promised himself to do everything he could to not let that vision come true, to save her. In the end the very thing he wanted to avoid, the very thing he feared the most - his vision becoming reality - became true. By trying everything to save her, he brought the very thing he wanted to avoid under all circumstances upon her.’

Rey couldn’t help but gasp.

‘So when I woke up that night trembling and gasping for air, I knew I couldn’t let my fear of my vision coming true define my every decision. By laying my lightsaber down in that moment, by closing myself off from the Force, I knew there would be no Jedi path. And that is why I didn’t train him myself. That is why I send him away. And let it break my heart. It was the most difficult decision I ever made, trust me. All I wanted was to have my son at my side, to see him grow up but I knew he needed a master and I knew if I would teach him I would have to open myself up to the Force again. And I feared that it would either result in his death or in me being so overwhelmed by my fears that I could be responsible for his death in the end - just like my father.’

‘Never. You could never ....’

‘You never know, Rey. Love makes you do things you never believe possible.’

Rey didn't know what to reply but she didn't have to. Leia got up from her seat and indicated her to follow her into the back of the Falcon. In front of two sleeping cabins she came to stop.

'Can you climb up there for me? I wasn't considering that I might not be able to climb up there myself when I hid it there all those years ago.'

'You mean ...?' Rey asked startled and Leia just grinned.

While the young woman climbed onto the narrow bed that didn't leave much space to the ceiling, cursing silently, Leia laughed. 'Now you might understand my wonder even better.'

'What wonder?' Rey pressed out while trying to fit herself into the cabin.

'That Ben preferred this over his bed at home', Leia simply stated. 

'This was ...?'

'Yes. This was his cabin or at least he claimed so', Leia replied, a grin crossing her features. 'In a corner at the head of the bed you should be able to make out a small hatch. When you run with your fingers over the wall you should be able to make out the bolts.'

Carefully Rey ran with her fingers over the metal wall. She could feel the bolts. And something else. An engraving. Three letters. A name. _Ben_. She smiled.

With help of the Force she loosened the bolts and removed the hatch. She reached inside and her hand curled around cold metal. Just as she wanted to remove the lightsaber, her eyes fell on something else, hidden around the corner of the opening. Something small, with pointed ears. She reached for it with her other hand and pulled both items out of the hatch. After closing the opening again, she stared onto the two secret treasures she just retrieved. The lightsaber and a stuffed animal. She shot one last glance at the engraved letters then she climbed back down.

When she handed Leia her lightsaber she saw nostalgia cross her features but as soon as Rey held out the stuffed animal and the general slowly took it from her outstretched hand, tears build in her eyes. She pressed the little creature to her chest as tears started to stream down her cheeks.

'He engraved his name into the wall of the hatch', Rey whispered, unsure if she knew about it.

'He must have felt the lightsaber through the Force in one of the many nights he spend here. He always had this little thing with him. He practically carried it wherever he went. That's why I was so surprised when it was suddenly gone one day and he didn't even lose a word about it. I thought he would be devastated. Instead he must have hidden it here.'

'Why is it so special? I mean ...'

'You mean because it is the ugliest stuffed animal you ever saw? Trust me, I thought the same', Leia laughed, her voice still choked with tears. She ran a hand across her cheeks. 'Han brought it with him from one of the first trips he made when Ben was old enough to realize his father spend more time away than at home. He must have been four, maybe five. He was just about to leave and usually I kept Ben occupied. He hated to watch his father leave and often stared at the entrance even days after Han left, as if he would expect him to be just around the corner for some errand and being back in a moment. But that time he had sneaked out the door and Han was just about to close the door behind him when Ben had pulled at his cloak to hold him back. Han had looked at him with wide eyes, then bend down and Ben had whispered something into his ear. Han had smiled and pressed a kiss into his dark hair. He had looked up to me one last time before he closed the door. You must know Han had always been torn. As much as he wanted to spend time with his family, he couldn't live without the flying, the adventure. Usually he never turned back, he never lingered and you could always see the longing for his ship in his eyes when he kissed you one last time. That moment he did linger. I saw how he was fighting with himself, how he was unsure if he should close the door after or in front of him. He left in the end. But when he came back he brought with him this stuffed creature. I shook my head when I saw it and regretted in an instant when I saw the hurt in his eyes. He thought he had yet again made a mistake. I saw the insecurity after my reaction when Ben came running out of his room. He was about to hide it away but it was too late. I wasn't prepared for Bens reaction, neither was Han. You should have seen how his eyes lit up at the sight of that ugly little creature and his scream of delight. When Han handed it to him he pressed it to his chest, a big smile on his face. I stood a little to the side but I think I might have seen tears in my husband's eyes. From that moment on the animal followed him everywhere and I mean literally everywhere.’ In Leia's honest smile an edge of sadness had crept in. ‘He must have hidden it here the night before he left to train with Luke. He begged me to sleep one last time in the Falcon. And when we packed the last of his things shortly before his departure and I asked him about Kira - don't ask me where he got that name from - he wouldn't look me in the eyes and just said that he wouldn't need it anymore, he would become a powerful Jedi now and Jedi wouldn't need stuffed animals.’ She pressed the animal even close to her chest.

‘Anyway’, Leia shook her head as if to pull herself back to the present moment, ‘I would say I keep this little creature while you keep this.’ She held the lightsaber out to me, a broad smile on her face. HER lightsaber.

‘Leia ... I ...’, Rey started but yet again her master interrupted her.

‘I see you training with Luke's. It doesn't belong to you as little as it belonged to him. It was a replacement for the legacy saber for him as it is a replacement for you. I still remember how devastated Luke was when he lost his grandfathers saber in the cloud city. He immediately forged a new one but he always complained to me how much effort it cost him and how it didn't feel quite right in his hands. And that is exactly what I see when you wield it. Luke was right when he said it should be an extension of your very self. And this one wasn't for him nor is it for you. He told me he wanted to throw it into the flames that were destroying the Jedi temple, his temple, as he was kneeling on the ground with R2 by his side but he couldn't. He knew he would never again touch the saber with which he was about to kill my son, but nevertheless he couldn't destroy it either, something held him back, the fear of letting go of the past maybe, so he handed it to me and said to keep it safe, just in case. I thought you would be comfortable with it, prefer his one over mine and honestly I wasn't sure nor ready to give mine away. But now I am. I could have destroyed it when I laid it down, ending my Jedi Journey in every way but when I held it in my hands for the last time ,contemplating what to do with it, I had this feeling. Not a vision, nothing clear, just this feeling that the path of this saber wasn't over yet and that someone would finish this path and would wield it again. And then you came along and that feeling was there again. The feeling that its path would continue - right now. So do it . Take it. And continue its path, my path.’

Leia nodded, notching the saber even further in Rey's direction.

A gloved hand stretched out to Rey suddenly crossed in front of her eyes.

It couldn't be more different. It couldn't be more similar.

Both offering her a path.

Hesitantly she reached for the lightsaber. As her hand closed around it, a rush of memories flickered in front of her eyes.

A way younger Leia Organa sitting behind a desk, just as she did the last weeks, lost in her work, a kyber crystal laying at her side.

A soft blue illuminating the same face as she ignites it for the first time.

Green saber clashing against blue as Luke trains in the same forest she was training in now.

Leia as she turns her saber in her hands, to put it away, hide it behind a hatch in her husbands beloved ship.

A boy with dark hair carefully opening the bolts to pull out the saber and turn it around in his small hands in awe.

The same boy pressing an ugly stuffed animal, used from years of carrying around, to his chest one last time to hide it along with the saber of his mother.

Rey turned it around in her hands, feeling its weight. It was a lot lighter than Luke's saber and even lighter than the legacy saber. The grip was nearly unused, with no hand imprints from years of usage like she had experienced with the two other sabers. It felt like something different, something new and at the same time like carrying something on, taking over. She looked up at Leia and saw that she had watched her closely all the time.

‘I know it's not really _yours_ but ... maybe you can't seem to finish yours nor repair my father's saber for a reason. Maybe it is meant to be like this.’

‘It is perfect. Thank you, Leia’, the padawan whispered, overwhelmed by impressions and emotions.

‘Now go. Ignite it and run.’ Leia smiled, knowing her too well.

Rey returned the smile and did as asked. She didn't turn around but she could feel Leia's gaze following her even after she had vanished in the thicket of Ajan Kloss' forest.

* * *

Rey hit her usual path. Gripping Leia's saber tight, she closed her eyed and let herself be guided by the Force. She felt the wind in her hair and on her cheeks, felt her feet barely hitting the ground as she accelerated.

Then she ignited it. And stopped abruptly.

A soft blue, softer and lighter than the Skywalker saber enlightened her face. The legacy sabers light was a deep blue, nearly as dark a blue as the ocean, vibrating, pulsating with a wild energy and barely contained power in her hand. Leia's saber in return was glowing softer, nearly white just tinged with a little bit of blue, pulsating controlled yet strong in her right hand. It didn't feel perfect, it didn't feel like _hers_ , but it nevertheless felt right. Like a legacy passed on.

And with the ignited saber in her hand, she felt something else. Again.  
  
Rey closed her eyes. As usual she immediately blocked her mind, concentrating on suppressing any emotion, any thought, any memory that would open the connection any further. Usually it worked. Not this time. Her efforts were met with a flicker. The flicker of an image, of dark boots striding along a polished white corridor, of a black gloved hand, ripping a door open and smashing it closed behind him, of a back dropping against the door. She felt exhaustion and rage as well as confusion and pain, she felt a mind racing with thoughts.

Her eyes snapped open again and she started to pick up pace. She ran and ran, away from the image, away from the thoughts , away from the emotions, his and hers, trying to run them out.

She accelerated further and further, running away from it, from the connection, the bond, from him. But the more she did try to run away, the more it started to haunt her.

Images and feelings rushed in front of Rey's eyes, blinding her, images and feelings from him and from her .

Hands that caught her before I could hit the hard ground of Takodanas forest.

Hands that held her, firm yet soft, as if too afraid to break her.

Carefully being laid down on a bench as the ship lifted off the ground.

A creature in a mask, kneeling on the ground of a dark chamber.

Even if bound to an interrogation chair, no feeling of fear.

The creature lifting of its mask, revealing a man with eyes so haunted.

A hand touching her temple ever so lightly, searching her mind.

A Force suddenly flowing through her.

A spark lighting between them.

A connection, a bond, opening, linking them. Mind and soul. Across time, across space.

_Don't be afraid, I feel it, too._

Lightsabers clashing. Lighting the forest, the snow on the ground in colors of blue and red.

A pain piercing through him, through her, as the saber strikes down across his cheek.

Eyes that look up at her from the snowy ground, surprised, shocked, knowing.

A canyon opening up between them.

One last glance, at the creature in a mask, at the man behind it.

Waking up on an island, to a feeling. A connection. And a pair of brown eyes.

_Just you._

These eyes, looking back at her, silencing her with the hurt and the conviction in them.

_You are a monster._

_Yes, I am._

Her hand touching a wall of ice, a mirror, to the past. Showing her nothing, nothing but her.

The cold of the cave, the water running down her cheeks, water and tears.

A hut, a fire and a presence warming her.

_I have never felt so alone._

_You are not alone._

_Neither are you._

The touch of a hand.

And these eyes, these brown eyes.

An elevator.

_Ben._

_I know what I have to do._

The warmth of a back behind her, the feeling of protection, trust ... and oneness.

A dance in complete synchronicity. Blue and red light, side by side.

That same hand, outstretched again, yet belonging to a completely different man.

_Join me._

_You come from nothing. You are nothing. But not to me._

Tears running down her cheeks as she makes her decision.

A lightsaber bursting into two pieces.

A door closing, leaving behind a man on his knees, torn apart.

A scream escaped Rey's lungs the same moment a loud thunder exploded overhead.

Within seconds heavy rain poured down on her. She didn't care. She picked up pace, wielding Leia's saber, her saber, slashing through everything that got in her way as if trying to slash through the memories.

A weird feeling took hold of her, a kind of déjà vu, as if she had been here before. But she hadn't. She had never been this deep into the thicket. The path got thinner and thinner, the enormous trees to both sides nearly shutting out every bit of sky and light. Out of the corner of her eyes she suddenly recognized that the bushes and trees had cuts, like scars, lightsaber cuts.

As she turned full speed around a corner, hitting a path that seemed to run endlessly into the afar, the breath caught in her throat. He was there. Right in front of her eyes. Not a memory, not just some flicker of images or feelings. He was there, in this moment. His eyes closed, deep in thoughts, his hand touching the remnants of Vader's mask. She saw a place that was glowing red, ashes falling from the sky. She saw the red glow of the cross guard lightsaber igniting the darkness that had taken hold of the place. She saw bodies scattered on the ground. She saw him, standing amidst them, covered in ash and dust, heavily breathing. The image was immediately replaced by a girl watching a ship disappear into the Jakku atmosphere, her screams filling the emptiness of the desert. It was followed by a series of fast pacing images - marks on a wall, the vastness of the interior of a Stardestroyer, a speeder racing through the dropping sun, a quarter portion in a hand covered with dirt and sand. And a face, a beautiful face of a woman desperately clutching a child in her arms, tears streaming down her face as she tells the little girl that she will be safe. It was followed by endless darkness, only occasionally lit by lightening, filling the vast empty place. Empty except for a throne, its back like thorns that were reaching high into the sky and seemed to enclose, grasp at whoever took place on it.

She saw the image of an outstretched hand along with a voice pleading her to join him. She saw a red double hilted lightsaber, like a staff, in a familiar hand, a cloaked figure with a familiar face.

Before she could fully grasp the image it was yet again replaced by a young man staring into the eyes of his master, hurt and betrayal crossing his features as he extends his arm for his lightsaber to meet the green blade raised above his head, ready to strike him down. A familiar voice filled her mind. _Ben, no!  
_ She could feel the hand that was gently laid on a cheek in its last moments and she saw the eyes of a father holding only love even as his sons lightsaber was piercing through his chest. And a voice she had never heard before, menacing, threatening, frightening, filling her mind again and again. _You killed him!_

Rey stumbled, hitting the ground hard on her hands and knees. And a last image appeared before her eyes. A cloaked figure kneeling in the exact same place as rain was washing down on him, soaking him completely, just as it did her right now, his hands covered in mud and curled into fists, a single tear running down his cheek, mixing with the raindrops.

Her gaze shot upwards - and was met by brown eyes, starring at her, just as shocked as she was.

In an instant he pulled his hand away from the mask and turned around, breaking the connection, leaving her behind, soaked, hands curled into fists. A tear was running down her cheek and Rey didn't know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this chapter. I loved to write from Rey's POV, to explore some of her thoughts she might have had in the wake of the events of TLJ (which are highly inspired by a lot of Meta I read after TLJ and TROS), to add the Rey/Leia scene (also inspired by an awesome drawing I saw on tumblr), to change everything up a bit, add here and there and to explore some of the past (which is inspired by the books but also my very own interpretation/imagination and hopefully adds up). And did I mention that I love to write fast paced memories? ;) 
> 
> Also, I wanted to thank everyone for the kudos and comments. I absolutely didn't expect that. Hope you enjoyed this one as well and hopefully 'til the next one. I try to post at least one chapter a month. I know it's quite some time but I am too much of a perfectionist to be faster ;) And being obsessed with another fandom which I couldn't help but start a One Shot for doesn't help much either. Anyway and in advance, I appreciate the patience :)
> 
> \- Franzi


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